by anonymous
For as long as I remember, I’ve been a very sexually curious person. Growing up in a religious household in Salt Lake City, many of my sexual thoughts were very scary for me to experience. I remember hiding in my parent’s basement with my older brother’s friends, flipping through pages of Victoria’s Secret and gawking at the perfect bodies before my eyes. I remember my first kiss was with another girl. We were in kindergarten at the time and wondered what it would be like to make out. So we stood there, in the dark of my room, and practiced making out. I was so terrified after she left, that it became a repressed memory that just recently resurfaced. I laugh about it now, of course, but thinking about how frightened I was of my sexual curiosity and thoughts still makes me somewhat sad.
There would be nights that I would sit wide awake in my bed wondering what Hell would be like for a sinner such as myself.
As I grew older I realized more and more that I am a very sexual person, and, it’s perfectly normal too! Accepting this “new” way of thinking, I decided at 19 that I wanted to go all out and perform on video.
Still being a pretty sexually naive individual, I set out on my journey into porn thinking I’d be a movie star of sorts. I imagined myself sitting in a cute chair in front of a big mirror – hair in rollers, applying fake eyelashes and getting pampered for my “close up.” I remember sending in photos to different porn companies, thinking I had made it. I was about to be paid money to have sex on camera. How exhilarating! I showed up to my first shoot and learned very quickly, however, that things were going to be very different than I imagined. I wasn’t about to be sent to hair and makeup and the lighting set-up was almost nonexistent. I was about to do real, no bullshit, amateur porn.
I decided very early on that I unfortunately couldn’t be a mainstream porn star.
There was no way that I could have my parents or family find out, but I knew what I wanted to do and had my heart set on it.
I went into what was a very niche section of porn, doing private videos for collectors. There wasn’t a huge demand at that time, but what I was doing fed my curiosity and opened my eyes in many ways. It wasn’t the grand entrance I had intended it on being, but it was definitely a whirlwind of emotions and new sensations. I learned quickly that the porn I was doing would never sky rocket me to my dreams of being treated like a pornstar, simply because I was not catering to the masses, I was catering to one person’s specialized porn collection. Still, I enjoyed the rush of excitement I got from performing and meeting new people.
One of the major downsides of going into such a niche was that there weren’t many agencies that worked in that realm of porn who could book me shoots. This meant that I had to do all my own bookings. I had to find shoots, put myself out there, and attempt to weed out the sketchy, creepy, and downright rude people. All in all, the majority of the people I did shoots with were friendly and fun to have sex with. But, even my generally positive experience didn’t prevent me from encountering the problem that would eventually lead to me to leaving porn.
A few months down the road, I was very conflicted on my feelings towards the porn industry.
On one hand, I enjoyed performing and having sex. I loved the new experiences and the people I met. But on the other hand, not once was the porn being made about me having a real-life orgasm.
I was always told to fake my orgasms while I was getting pounded from behind, no clit stimulation whatsoever. It bothered me, because I know how to make myself cum, but yet the porn that was being sent out was portraying me cumming in a way that only a small percentage of women can achieve an orgasm with.
It was an untrue (for the most part) portrayal of a woman’s orgasm, and was all about me giving vs. not much (if any) reciprocation from the male talent. What bothered me even more was that so much of the porn that goes out there is like that, and many of the people who watch that (younger and inexperienced people, for example) use porn as a way to learn. They then take what they learn and think that’s how to have good sex. I saw it as a problem for not only myself as a women, but many other women (and men!) who yearn to have great, equal sex! Unfortunately, I know far too many women who have never experienced a real orgasm, and I feel like this is due largely to the mainstream porn that people consume daily. I believe that there is still very much a stigma around women’s sexuality in general, which on its own, makes it more difficult for women to speak up about what they like during sex. Once you add our consumption of mainstream porn into the mix, it makes it even more so. I truly believe that a more realistic portrayal of sex in porn will benefit everyone in the long run. I feel that it will make it easier for us to know our bodies better, how to have sex in a more enjoyable fashion, and produce more realistic expectations on our bodies as well.
When I found out about MLNP, I was beyond excited. I am so happy to know that there is a place on the internet that depicts real orgasms, real sex, and real enjoyment! We just need to give it the recognition it so deserves!
Read more posts and testimonials from our members in our #realworldinbox.
